One of the very reoccurring things about my life is my old habits or patterns coming back their vengeance.
It’s like a reoccurring nightmare that makes you want to wake up but you can’t…..Every time it happens, you want better ending than the last time. As much as I remind myself that I will embrace ups and downs of lives, the fear or “downs” scares me. Yes, the fear, itself, is scary. Because the fear commences the march of my old patterns. Whether it’s about masking my fear or defending myself from what I am about to face, I do exactly the same thing. I plan… plan…. plan…. then run myself to brick wall so that my fear is justified, if not justified, I at least passed through the time that the fear stormed through.
The old patterns show through my health issues. May-July have been months of old pattern storming through. Doctor’s appointments one after the other… surgery… medication changes.. side effects kicking in like it’s nobody business… Anxiety of losing it all comes right back. So, all I could do was running busy busy busy, schedule after schedule, goal after goals, then my old friend backache came back.
I honestly don’t know how my back pain is triggered. But what I know for sure is that it happens when I run myself over my capacity.
It seems like the storm has calm down now. However, now, I wonder what am I going to do when next storms comes along. I wonder if I have picked up all the debris of the storm.
Perhaps I should take it like the weather. It just comes and goes, and I just need to do what I want to and planned to do already. Sounds so easy now… I want to believe that I can even embrace my old patterns like them or not.
What are your old habits or patterns that you are afraid of them coming back and they come back anyway?
What do you do?
Simply just let it be~ That’s the lesson that I am telling myself, today. With the hope that next time, I might actually let things be instead of running around like a chicken without a head and still fall apart.
How about you? I know, it’s bit vague writing, today. I think there’s someone out there who knows that feeling even though it may be coming from completely different things.
yours truly,
Simply Sarah
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