I want to go….
I wish I weren’t here…
I wish I hadn’t been born…..
But I am somehow here…
Can’t get out…
So, I asked that I’m let go..
One prayer I have is that you take me home…
These are what I say and think everyday, every minute.
When some random person said, “oh Sarah, don’t we so love to be back to those times that when we had no worries and things were easy???!?”
I smiled back not because I agreed.. because I truly don’t have the times that I didn’t have worries or things were easy for me. From the moment I was born to now.. Each day and year doesn’t get any easier or better at times. Dealing with who I am is and was the hardest thing…
Then there is Ken… my life partner of 5 years.
I asked him… ” Would you rather have one more day with me even if it’s bad? as in quantity over quality?”
He said…. “I rather have more days and time to waste with you! And my days and time are very valuable. I totally fine with wasting that with you and on you.”
I moved in with Ken last year September. I want to live alone from my mother so I don’t show my hard time.. but I also wanted to come home to someone other than my Carebear Children. For Ken and I moving in is more than the marriage certificate and a child together.
This first year living together was particularly challenging as my health took turn for the worst.
Ken stayed… through it all whether he was screaming at times or not saying anything at times he stayed…
People talk about Reason to Live for suicide prevention.. My reasons for living is practical. It’s not really my choice. Yeah, I may be taking it for granted but I rather give it to someone else who really wants it. I don’t want to be here.. so I always want to “go”. For me, it’s Reasons to Stay.
Love…. from this guy… a stranger who I met five years ago… and there are other reasons.. but this guy that I come home to… This guy who would rather come home to me and my, our Carebears.
This is one of the Reasons to Stay: Love. Simply Just Mine…
Simply Sarah
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