A New Journey & Embracing the Past

An admission offer letter from Drexel University for Graduate Master’s Applied Behavior Analysis program last week had me recollect and re-evaluate my decisions in the past, especially last 10 years.

10 years ago around this time was not the pleasant time of the year. I was waiting on transfer decision from Bergen Community College to other four year universities. I was already given admission to Rutgers University by early 2004. I was given an admission offer to all the liberal arts college at Rutgers University and BFA program to Mason Gross School of Arts, Stage Management.

After studying and working so hard at Bergen Community College as Theatre Arts major concentration inTechnical Production and Management, it was an honor to receive acceptance letter from Mason Gross School of Arts. However, my joy and excitement were short-lived by bit odd phone call the next day. The admission office staff at Rutgers University informed me that I was actually NOT accepted to BFA program; it was a clerical error that I received letters.

Despite being so let down and confused I still had the hope that I still can pursue theatre degree; BA instead of BFA. I also hoped I would get admission offers from other schools that I have applied. However, Rutgers University became my only option.

When I started at Rutgers, I tried so hard to not get wrapped in the feeling of being just a number at the university. Having to have graduated Bergen Community College with Honors and many recognitions it was hard to start that all over again especially when I felt slightly rejected.  As I plan for my future at Rutgers, I made a very good plans. My goal then was to be a successful stage manager. I quickly realized that not only I cannot be in classes that would teach me the skills that I need as a stage manager but also I would have to be competing with the students with BFA when I get out to the real world. I felt so lost and frustrated. I participated in a student organized theatre group to keep up with the performance work, which was not even close to the level that I was already trained. I knocked on my advisor’s door countless time to push for getting credits on courses I already have taken at Bergen.

I also realized it will longer to finish my degree than I expected with not better knowledge. I had all the passion in the work. Despite the frustration and disappointments that I felt with every steps I took at Rutgers, I tried hard to keep my goals. I have to say…. having to run into road blocks so many times, I was so exhausted. I was so afraid that I’d be lost in the crowds.

Things started to go down south even more with the emotional exhaustion and meeting wrong person, my ex-husband. The tumor diagnose and abusive marriage made me felt like the biggest failure.

I ended up taking time off from Rutgers to resolve my life issues. Even during the time off, I worked at the banks to support my ex-husband and myself . I soon added two more jobs as love of my life turned out to be nothing but a troubled person.

After all the ordeal I did return to school after the divorce and sometime with the family,

As I am realizing that it took 10 years to be back on track, I also wondered if there was anything I could have done differently. My mother also has done the same. She wondered if she was there by me, would I have made different decisions; if I didn’t go to Rutgers, would I have found my path faster; if my father let me took time off from the school earlier when I asked would my life have been better….

The conclusion is that it would not have been any different. I ponder often about my decisions from the past, however, I don’t regret them. I do wish that things could have been slightly easier or “normal.”

It’s as if I finally reached the top of the mountain and realizing that the path I came up was the hardest one.

Important part is that I got here and now. Instead of labeling my past as full of mistakes, should’ves and would’ves, I would like to say that it’s just how I got where I am now. Embracing is harder sometimes and it’s much easier to be angry with myself and my past. With the new journey I am embracing my past and embracing myself for whatever events that are waiting for me. I also want to promise myself one thing, though. I would like to make choices simply for me, for my happiness and passion.

What are your new plans remind you of the past decisions? What do you do with your past?