Confessions

I have confessions to make.

I have worked hard to understand and expand my sympathy towards others all my life, even if their lives may seem way normal and simpler than my life at ALL time. However, my confessions are about how often that I feel that my facial hemangioma is a bigger problem than other people’s problems.

First, it literally made my childhood like a hell. Second, my insecurity and self-consciousness stemmed from being picked on just because the facial difference. “Being picked on” is a understatement as may have read from my previous posts. So, I have spent most of my life working on how to defend my heart and body. Third, now I have to deal with people who thinks it is nothing. Even when I cheer others who has a baby with hemangioma to embrace their lives, my biggest fear is to raise a child with facial differences. I give great sounding advice to the young parents yet if I know that I have a slightest possibility of handing down any of my conditions, I know I would make choice not to raise a child – not to have one at all.

These are the saddest and yet honest confessions I am making. Because no matter how hard I try, it is still the fact that my life was unfair from the start. Yes, I can walk, I can talk and act normal but sometimes… just sometimes… I wish I can live without hemangioma.

Yes, I have learned to be a kind and understanding person because I understand how it feels to be judged. However, I envy the ignorance of life. Even with all my medical conditions, if I have an one-time use of magic wand, I would like to have a face without hemangioma. I know it won’t change my life in the past but at least, I won’t be reminded.

One of my clients asked me what’s wrong with my face. Just a very innocent question. “It’s just my face. Nothing is wrong, Sweetie.” is how I got through the question. This cute client nodded and went about his business, having fun with his peers.

I might have handled it well on the outside but my head was full of thoughts. I wish I had a simple answer, too.

I wish I was never born with hemangioma or at least wish the medications were available during my time, too.

Adding all the other medical conditions…. it is enormous pressure to make life as worthy as possible. Waiting for the day that I don’t have to answer to those questions or never even asked. I’ve never gotten used to it. The painful memories never went away. They just get buried the more I try.

I apologize for the blunt and not so positive post. However, I want to say…. that I write my posts not because I have gotten over everything and live happily ever after but because I still live with it all. I just try hard not to have these feeling buried inside me. I fight to not have it become a cancerous tumor in my heart and soul. I still struggle to embrace it all. That’s why I write these posts. Just wanting to say that it’s ok…. if it’s not ok.

With Simply Love,

Simply Sarah